when i look back at the 90s, i always wish i was a teen during the 90s, like a teen in a band that had one hit song, a hit alternative song that was played on the radio all the time, and my band could ride that whole alternative rock wave that went on from 1995-1997. and we’d go on MTV and be rude to the VJ’s, like pretend we’re above it all and give ironic and sarcastic answers to interview questions so all the teens watching would know we’re cool. and we’d party with Sonic Youth and Ethan Hawke… like all the coolest people in the alternative 90s scene. It’d be like that movie “That Thing You Do!” but if it were set in the 90s.
Then eventually, around 1997, alt-rock would die out and my band would put out a mediocre follow up album that didnt have a hit, but was critically acclaimed, but critics don’t pay the bills, so we break up and I move to Los Angeles to mooch off of all my famous friends. all the coolest people that can’t get over their fame live in Los Angeles and are friends with each other and try to get gigs in the entertainment business to hold on to whatever fame they can, and I’d do that, I’d live with Dave Navarro, like in his guest house, like so many people partied at Dave Navarros house in the 90s, but when he got sick of me I’d just move in with another celeb that was rich that i could mooch off of. I’d be apart of the mid 90s L.A. celeb scene, just as like a cultural alt rock presence, and I’d write music reviews for magazines like Details Magazine or Spin Magazine or whatever magazine would hire me, magazines were big in the 90s, there wasn’t internet back then really.
then by 1999 when alternative rock was completely dead, i’d leave Los Angeles for Portland to party with Elliott Smith and Modest Mouse to be apart of the indie rock scene and I’d open up like a coffee house / music venue and like be an elder statesman of rock, like Calvin Johnson of K Records, but everyone in Portland would think I was too much of an LA phony to be indie and I’d go out of business and become a meth addict and eventually wind up on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew in the mid-2000s, and I hook up with the porn star on it, Penny Flame, but she breaks up with me because I’m a premature ejaculator, so I escape Celebrity Rehab, relapse on meth, and drive my car into a Chipotle high as hell off of meth, and die.
and when i die, they don’t even play my hit song on any radio stations to acknowledge my death because it sounds so 90s and 90s nostalgia didn’t hit until like 2010, and even then people wouldn’t even remember the song because even though it was a hit, its too obscure and 90s alternative for most people.
like that should have been my life.